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Discussion Starter #1
yeah yeah, maybe we'll start a Republican joke thread too, if so, I'll type slower so they can catch up.... :eek:h: :wink: :lol:

got this in email yesterday:

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am!"

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot
air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level. You are 31
degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you guess?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same
position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault.

:D :D Keep it above the belt. :p :suspicio:
 

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SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and sells you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both, kills one, and spills the milk in the sewage system.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
 

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not really a joke but:

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and
was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father
was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition
to higher taxes on the rich & more welfare programs. In the middle of her
heart felt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her far left professors
at her school, he stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing
in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know
that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the time, never had
time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time
for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of
spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult
curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Mary."

She replied, "Mary is barely getting by", she continued, "all she has is
barely a 2.0 GPA" adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she
never studies." But to explain further she continued emotionally, "But Mary is
so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the
parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes
because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to her friend who
only had a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and
certainly that would be a fair equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by the fathers suggestion angrily fired back,
"That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and
Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!"

The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

-drew
 

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Discussion Starter #6
let's put this one here:

Work vs. Prison



Just in case you ever get the two mixed up, this should make things more
clear...

IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK .. you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.

IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON ...spend your life looking through bars, from inside wanting
to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

IN PRISON ... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers, with no work
required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
 

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I would just like to point out the number of responses to this Democratic joke thread, and the Republican joke thread...As of now there are:

Dem joke thread: 5 replies
Rep joke thread": 26 replies

I wonder what the majority of :b5: members are or claim to be? :p :weirdo:

Not counting the people who posted in both threads like myself; I don't claim either because most politicians are self-serving bandwagon-jumping morons whether they have a D or an R behind their name. No wonder I posted in both threads. :wink:

Harry
 

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SDPassatT said:
I would just like to point out the number of responses to this Democratic joke thread, and the Republican joke thread...As of now there are:
Says something about the times IMHO. Dems are still REALLY pissed about 2000. They don't even want to hear about all the Florida recounts that still showed Bush won. To them he is illegitimate and the election was stolen. It'll be one hell of a party in November if Bush is beaten. If he wins, its only going to get worse. I can imagine things getting bad enough that it's going to tear this country apart. As it is, I think it's going to take 20 years to get over the 2000 election.
 

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Says more about Passat owners and where they live... A lot of the more loud, opionated people on here are from Florida, and Caleefornia, and sense those states have a higher % of liberals than say...Texas...the probability that a Passat owner in Florida or Cali is a Dem is higher...
 

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I think that there aren't many good democrat jokes.. I looked for awhile and they were idiotic. The Dems get to take any blonde/polish joke and substitute blonde/polish with George Bush... The Reps are stuck making fun of people who want to help people too much (yes I said TOO much). Even Jimbob's last joke, while funny, was more of a Republican joke than a Dem one. Dems want to stay home and not work and Republicans want them in jail... But yes. I think you will find generally that a higher percentage of VW owners are Democrats than owners of domestic automobiles.... you think?
 

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You should have seen this place during the Clinton administration. The tenor was almost exactly the opposite. Our resident Republicans were on the outside looking in, and missed no opportunities to take pot-shots at anyone who might claim Democratic sympathies. If you had asked me then, I would have said most CB5 members were Republicans. I think that still is true, but as the party on the outside, our resident Democrats have discovered a political truism: It's a lot easier mounting an offense than a defense. And offense is a whole lot more fun. :wink: I said as much soon after Gore was defeated: Something to the effect that the next four years would be our chance to treat the incumbent party in the same manner Democrats had been treated during the previous eight.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I also have to fess up, since i used the joke to start this thread for a reason. I got it by email, from a Republican friend (and yes I have some.. :p )

When I read it, I thought it was funny, but more so struck by the fact that it points out a larger issue. The ballonist states that the guy in the boat has been accurate, but of no help, as she's still lost. She never says it his fault or blames him, or that she expected him to help her, but that's his punch line.

I think that misunderstanding is very emblematic of the rift between the (so called) "parties". both are so sure what the other is going to say, that neither bothers to actually listen anymore... :evil: :cry: :shock: :eek:h: :mad:

ok, back to jokes... :)
 

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JazzMat said:
You should have seen this place during the Clinton administration. The tenor was almost exactly the opposite. Our resident Republicans were on the outside looking in, and missed no opportunities to take pot-shots at anyone who might claim Democratic sympathies. If you had asked me then, I would have said most CB5 members were Republicans. I think that still is true, but as the party on the outside, our resident Democrats have discovered a political truism: It's a lot easier mounting an offense than a defense. And offense is a whole lot more fun. :wink: I said as much soon after Gore was defeated: Something to the effect that the next four years would be our chance to treat the incumbent party in the same manner Democrats had been treated during the previous eight.
Hard to disagree with this much. :thumbup: All the jokes are "insider" jokes though. They depend on people thinking the same things, such as "Bush is stupid."
 

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Spirare said:
I think that there aren't many good democrat jokes.. I looked for awhile and they were idiotic. The Dems get to take any blonde/polish joke and substitute blonde/polish with George Bush... The Reps are stuck making fun of people who want to help people too much (yes I said TOO much). Even Jimbob's last joke, while funny, was more of a Republican joke than a Dem one. Dems want to stay home and not work and Republicans want them in jail... But yes. I think you will find generally that a higher percentage of VW owners are Democrats than owners of domestic automobiles.... you think?
Dont you understand why you feel that way? Its called bias. Just like I think the democrat jokes are funnier than the republican ones.. But if you can imagine yourself playing the role of the other side, its easy to see why the jokes are funny for both. But if you've never been exposed to the REAL conservative viewpoint (no, not the stereotypical bible-thumping redneck idiot one you hear about on npr) then I can understand why you think that way.
 

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F. Monger said:
Spirare said:
I think that there aren't many good democrat jokes.. I looked for awhile and they were idiotic. The Dems get to take any blonde/polish joke and substitute blonde/polish with George Bush... The Reps are stuck making fun of people who want to help people too much (yes I said TOO much). Even Jimbob's last joke, while funny, was more of a Republican joke than a Dem one. Dems want to stay home and not work and Republicans want them in jail... But yes. I think you will find generally that a higher percentage of VW owners are Democrats than owners of domestic automobiles.... you think?
Dont you understand why you feel that way? Its called bias. Just like I think the democrat jokes are funnier than the republican ones.. But if you can imagine yourself playing the role of the other side, its easy to see why the jokes are funny for both. But if you've never been exposed to the REAL conservative viewpoint (no, not the stereotypical bible-thumping redneck idiot one you hear about on npr) then I can understand why you think that way.
I was raised in the country. Second eldest of 8 children. Hometaught. Stay at home mother. Father was village mayor, town supervisor and town councilman. I worked on Pat Buchanan's Presidential Election and on numerous NYS gubernatorial campaigns in attempt to dethrone Cuomo. Eagle Scout. Deacon at my Presbyterian Church. Dated the preacher's daughter. Was registered conservative at 18. Was active in young Republicans. Ran for town council. Was a member of the Christian Coalition until age 20. Sold my guns off at age 22 (a pair of shotguns and a .22 rifle). Been registered independant since then. I WAS 'the stereotypical bible-thumping redneck (NOT an idiot)', and I have NEVER heard NPR describe Republicans that way. If you listened to it on occaision maybe you wouldn't feel that way, but since all you listen to is Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, and watch Ann Coulter, all of which SAY that NPR does that despite the fact to the contrary, I understand your bias. I get the jokes, thanks.

Notice also that the example I used for how to construct a Republican joke was NOT an actual republican joke. It was a Bush joke. I thought THAT in itself was funny (the two are NOT the same). Truth be told the difference between the parties is so miniscule that all the jokes are plain dumb. You sir are at least as biased as I, condescending and a rude presumptive ass. Know who you are speaking of before you speak. You don't KNOW what I know or how I arrived at the conclusions I have arrived at politically. Your presumption paints you as foolish and honestly it's insulting.
I left conservatism because I realized that religion had no place in politics, that politicans have no place in my home, that the party of the founding fathers doesn't exist and it's NOT the GOP, and that honesty, integrity, fairness and judiciousness can only exist outside the parties. I vote for the right person, based upon my opinions, not what I'm spoonfed by the media, pundits, or by hwat the 'party' dictates.
 

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You guys are overanalyzing big time...just crack a few jokes and have a few laughs, for God's sake. Keep it simple and fun! The fact that I will never, EVER vote for a democrat for president has no bearing on whether or not I can laugh at George Bush jokes. Too many people get offended with this simple stuff. They throw insults back at each other like candidates do during an election campaign.

Just take the jokes for what they are, JOKES!

In the famous words of some guy from some movie, "Lighten up, Francis."
 

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Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots a little boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, "this is a great press opportunity" so she has her driver pull over. She gets out to talk to the little boy and discovers that he has 6 little puppies in the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says "Thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!" Of course Hillary is extremely pleased by this.
A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him. Well, Bill sees the little boy with his wagon and puppies so he tells the little boy, "what nice puppies those are!" The boy says, "Thank you sir. They're Republicans!" "Wait a minute," says Bill, "You told Hillary that they were Democrats." The boy responds, "Yes sir, they were, but now their eyes are open!"

See this one is stupid too... :poke:
 

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A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where Bill Clinton was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that Democrat gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

fuel to the fire... but you could replace 'Clinton' with 'A Lawyer'.
 

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The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form."

"You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?"

"That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. (How like a lawyer...)

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".

Kind of funny but it would work just as well if he wanted to change his status to republican. Idiotic.
 

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Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

now THAT'S funny! heheheh
 
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