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Me and my girlfriend have been together, off and on, for three years now.
When we are good, everything is perfect and I would consider getting married within the next couple years BUT, when things are rough, they are really bad! We can work through a lot of problems but when there is something that we both feel strongly about(in an arguement), things get mean and usually dont end good. I love her with all of my heart but when we go through these times, it makes me wonder if it is worth it. If we had been married, I would be a poor man through divorces. Anyways, I need some input on this one.
Me and my friends are really close. My grilfriend has it rough because shes the only chick around. I always have time for just the two of us though so thats not the problem. The thing is, she has always been one of the boys to everybody. They joke around with her just as they do me. Just recently, she hasnt been taking jokes well. Usually, she would joke right back but now she wants me to stand up for her and kick people out of my apt if they piss her off. I dont find anything wrong with what they say. If I did, I would say something! Its at the point right now where we will most likely break up because the both of us are very stuburn and I will not argue over nothing.
The other night I asked her if she was serious about us or if she just stays with me because of history. I know she loves me and doesnt want to see us split up but with us always fighting, I dont see how its healthy for either of us!
Am I wrong? Please help me see her side or understand where I am coming from![/b]
 

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Lisa Simpson
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She wants you to choose her over everything else. Not because she doesn't like your friends, but she wants you to establish priority and she wants to be #1. She wants to know that she rates higher than anything else in your lives.

This is not a permanent condition. The inability to argue thing is rough. Steven and I had to teach ourselves to argue without killing each other and now we are quick to point out when the other person is leaving the boundaries of safe arguing. Our arguments are much better now and actually much more fun, if you can imagine that. They are certainly more productive - we reach a conclusion now instead of just being angry. :)
 

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Sounds like there are deeper issues there that are bothering her and her lashing out at you is a way of showing her frustration at something. Is there something on her mind?

My wife and I are total opposites about some things. A LOT of these issues caused major arguments during the early years of our relationship. Over the years we have come to understand each others differences and learned to compromise and live with these things. I'm not going to change how she feels about some things and vice/versa.

If it doesn't sound like you can get past those differences to the point where the good far outweighs the bad, then you may have a rough road ahead. It's all a compromise. I wish you both the best. :heart:

/karl
 

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atomicalex said:
...This is not a permanent condition. The inability to argue thing is rough. Steven and I had to teach ourselves to argue without killing each other and now we are quick to point out when the other person is leaving the boundaries of safe arguing. Our arguments are much better now and actually much more fun, if you can imagine that. They are certainly more productive - we reach a conclusion now instead of just being angry. :)
Ditto! The making up part is the best! :poke: :heart:

/karl
 

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I am no relationship expert but it sure seems as though your relationship may lack whatever it is keeps happily married folks happy even through strong disagreements.
 

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atomicalex said:
She wants you to choose her over everything else. Not because she doesn't like your friends, but she wants you to establish priority and she wants to be #1. She wants to know that she rates higher than anything else in your lives.

This is not a permanent condition. The inability to argue thing is rough. Steven and I had to teach ourselves to argue without killing each other and now we are quick to point out when the other person is leaving the boundaries of safe arguing. Our arguments are much better now and actually much more fun, if you can imagine that. They are certainly more productive - we reach a conclusion now instead of just being angry. :)
safe arguing? what's that? (really, I'm serious).

sounds very useful - in trying to keep things civil. most couples could use that, I think!
 

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I can't answer for AA, but with my wife, safe arguing means: no personal attacks that have nothing to do with the topic, no bringing up previously settled arguments - especially no bringing up the ex's or previous sins which have long been forgiven or agreed upon to be forgotten.

/karl
 

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linux-works said:
atomicalex said:
She wants you to choose her over everything else. Not because she doesn't like your friends, but she wants you to establish priority and she wants to be #1. She wants to know that she rates higher than anything else in your lives.

This is not a permanent condition. The inability to argue thing is rough. Steven and I had to teach ourselves to argue without killing each other and now we are quick to point out when the other person is leaving the boundaries of safe arguing. Our arguments are much better now and actually much more fun, if you can imagine that. They are certainly more productive - we reach a conclusion now instead of just being angry. :)
safe arguing? what's that? (really, I'm serious).

sounds very useful - in trying to keep things civil. most couples could use that, I think!
I think safe arguing is not calling each other names, not swearing at each other, not being hurtful or saying hurtful things to each other. I think once you go down that hurtful, mean spirited path it gets easier and easier to go down. Personally, I dispise yelling, I don't like getting yelled out and since my wife never raises her voice - I think that lends itself to more constructive arguing or safe arguing as AA said.
 

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If it doesn't feel the same way when you argue with her as it does when you argue with your mother, or sister or father or brother....don't marry her!

Family...can get through anything...if you don't see her as family then forget it...it just gets harder the longer you're married. If it does feel like family...stick with her and fight to keep her...THAT's true love. :thumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I really want this to work out because I do love her so much but at the same time, when it comes to fighting with her, she wants to yell and let things get heated but I cant stand it. I would rather talk about things and everytime I do that, she ends up getting mad and yelling. She got mad at me for going out with my friends last night while she was at work! She said that its not fair how I go out with them and have a "good time" while she works then cries herself to sleep! She thinks I dont care about what happens. I am a very non-shalant(sp) type of person so I can understand why someone else might think that but not her!
We have broken up so many times that it doesnt phase me like it used to. I might be very upset but I dont show it like I used to. I would just sit around the house feeling sorry for myself and drink. Thats not a good thing. I cannot sit around and think about it every second! Ill go crazy.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
SpecialKDog1 said:
I can't answer for AA, but with my wife, safe arguing means: no personal attacks that have nothing to do with the topic, no bringing up previously settled arguments - especially no bringing up the ex's or previous sins which have long been forgiven or agreed upon to be forgotten.

/karl
does it all the time! Drives me crazy :crazy:
She said this time things are different because the last time we broke up, I moved on 3 months later with someone else. "Youve had feelings for someone else" she says. Thats supposed to change how I feel about her?
 

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This may be a long shot but is she on the pill?

The pill really screwed up my girlfriend kinda like permanent PMS (hormones or something) once she was off it...she totally mellowed out. Now she's my wife and everything is great! :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Shes on a shot... :???:
Ive been told that might be a factor but what do I do? Tell her to get off it so she will quit being so irrational?
 

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dublife said:
I really want this to work out because I do love her so much but at the same time, when it comes to fighting with her, she wants to yell and let things get heated but I cant stand it. I would rather talk about things and everytime I do that, she ends up getting mad and yelling. She got mad at me for going out with my friends last night while she was at work! She said that its not fair how I go out with them and have a "good time" while she works then cries herself to sleep! She thinks I dont care about what happens. I am a very non-shalant(sp) type of person so I can understand why someone else might think that but not her!
We have broken up so many times that it doesnt phase me like it used to. I might be very upset but I dont show it like I used to. I would just sit around the house feeling sorry for myself and drink. Thats not a good thing. I cannot sit around and think about it every second! Ill go crazy.
She might not be saying this but maybe she's wondering why you're going out with your single friends (who are probably looking to get hooked up) when you have her at home. Even though you may have no intention of getting hooked up, she just might be insecure about it. I mean people don't just go to bars for the atmosphere, watered down drinks and $8.00 beers (without tip) that cost $1.00 per bottle from the grocery store.

I gave up going to bars when I met my wife, I came to the conclusion that for a guy that's happily married or dating - the bar is the last place I needed to be. I just don't see a bar as a great place for a happily married or dating guy to be unless he's with his wife/gf - maybe that's just me.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I can understand that but my friends arent single. All but one have girlfriends, just at college. We go to watch games. Out of the group of us, I am the only with my own place. I dont have cable, so we go to the local resterant and watch them. She knows that cause shes come with us! Ive never cheated on her or anybody else for that matter! I cant do that to someone.
 

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Lisa Simpson
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Re-reading, I think that every one I know who has broken up and got back together ended up divorced. It is not a good sign that there is so much willingness to call it quits. I think perhaps you two need to re-evaluate why you are together.

karl and Sullie pretty much cover it for safe arguing. Steven and I argue about everything - it's not bad to argue. What is bad is when people can't accept differences of opinion. We have been arguing about the side yard for 4 months. Only now are we beginning to come to an agreement about it, but during our protracted arguing, we have hashed out many, many ideas for it and debated the pros and cons of each. I think I am going to get about 75% of my way, but only because he now agrees. Even if I disagree with his 25%, so what? I'll plant some extra flowers. 8)
 

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Discussion Starter #17
think that every one I know who has broken up and got back together ended up divorced. It is not a good sign that there is so much willingness to call it quits. I think perhaps you two need to re-evaluate why you are together.
Thats what I thought. I hate to see it end up that way but I believe marriage is for life.
 

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atomicalex said:
They are certainly more productive - we reach a conclusion now instead of just being angry. :)
I've been trying to reach that point with my gf now for a long time... she always wants to abandon a fight just when we are getting to the bottom of things and leave pissed instead of gaining new insight for the future.

How did you guys manage it? (It's a rhetorical question) It's not like we don't get practice, we fight virtually everyday! :(
 
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